I spoke my truth.
Day 4 was very much a Monday. A Monday among Mondays that’s for sure. Things just seemed to be a bit off. I had a challenging moment come up in my relationship, and sparing the details, it was a real moment for me to either speak my truth or stay quiet to keep the peace. I chose truth, because the Joy Experiment is all about authenticity and not silencing myself anymore. I tell you, it was the most bizarrely joyous feelings in the world to stand my ground and speak my truth. Here I am having an uncomfortable discussion with My Love, and yet I felt so incredibly filled with Joy, I could feel it emanating through my body. This flood of strength just poured in through my body as I allowed my voice to be heard, even if it was difficult to say what I said. This was a new thing for me and it did cause some waves, but it was important to get the issues out on the table rather than push them down and suppress the emotions only for them to arise later in more compounded ways.
I have been getting braver in a number of areas of my life, and relationships take first place at the moment. I am finding that trying to keep the peace and avoid conflict does not necessarily lead to healthy relationships. Imagine that. It will certainly keep you from fighting, but passive resentment is just as damaging as explosive fighting and I’ve experienced both extremes in my life with different people. It takes a great deal of courage and strength to have a difficult conversation, and not become uncontrollably angry or mean or defeated. To show up and say what isn’t working and to listen to the things that are hard to hear about yourself is a real test of strength. But I’m realizing more and more that as I’m willing to look at my own shadows and address the sides of myself that I am less than proud of, I have less to be scared of. As I’m more truthful and honest about my shortcomings, I can allow myself to forgive them and love myself even more.
I’ve heard the saying before that, “people fear what they do not understand,” and I’d have to say this also applies on a personal level. There are some parts of myself I really don’t understand and as I lean in and learn more about my own quirks, they become less threatening somehow. For example, My Love explained to me that there are some personality traits I exhibit that really make it hard for him to trust me. That is really hard to hear. By protecting myself, I actually build walls that keep people out.That certainly does not contribute to my joy, so that belief pattern has got to go! I choose to look at that pattern and say: “Dear one, I understand why you are there and I know you are trying to protect me. But it is ok for you to go now because I realize that only love will heal those deep wounds.” I’ve been working on this particular wound in a number of ways, and I find that talking through it is tremendously helpful. One of the most amazing things I’ve realized is that once an unconscious pattern is identified, it quickly becomes more manageable because when you dip into a pattern or behavior you can call it what it is more readily.
So moving forward, I’m going to keep exploring this idea of speaking my truth. I loved that rush of joy, and I also love the feeling of healing up from old, stagnant wounds that I’m ready to let go of. I say, let joy replace the sadness! It is time to start living again...