Today is a breakthrough day.
Today I claimed sovereignty from victimhood, and everything feels different.
It feels like today is my first day in my life that I feel like I have stepped out of the role of victim that I have played so expertly, for so incredibly long. In my mind and experience, childhood was essentially synonymous with victimhood. Today I reached a turning point, and it took me a year to do it.
I’ve been really battling my whole life with feelings of oppression from the dominant Mormon culture in Utah as well as an emotionally abusive relationship with my mother. Almost everyone has their challenges with their parents, and for me, this relationship has been the most heartbreakingly painful one in my entire life. My whole childhood I revered her and was simultaneously terrified by her. Her wild tempers and unpredictable behavior had me walking on eggshells my entire life. This year, I finally decided to stop the cycle. After about 6 straight months of hate mail from her via email and text, I decided that it had to stop. You can only be told that you are “bottomless pit of despair” so many times before you start to believe it. And truth be told, I had started to believe it.
I started to ask myself, do I have any value as a human being? Maybe I was so horrible that I didn’t deserve to live. I reached the point where I truly considered ending my life, putting an end to the suffering and pain that every moment of each day was so full of. Last summer was the darkest summer of my life. In the midst of the darkness, I reached a moment where I realized, I had to choose: live or die. Choose one. As if by a deep, inner compulsion to survive, I chose to live. And I’m so grateful I did because now I can share my story of breaking free so I can help other people grappling with the same pain to know that it is possible to transcend it.
Since last summer, I’ve truly been in the fight for my life. Every day has been a conscious effort to live, to decide to really live. In other words, to stop dying slowly from the toxic poison of entrapment. Through this slow process of recovery I have learned that the soul is beautifully resilient if it is given the right care. Much like a neglected and dying garden, if it is nurtured and given water, sunlight and love, it will surge back with more life than you ever believed was possible. This is why flowers are my symbols of a life renewed. They are everywhere on my website and branding because these incredible creations emerge each year from the wreckage of the harsh winter and they just explode into riotous, rebellious beauty and color! I love flowers.
I’m dedicating my life now and forever more to helping those who have lost hope to reconnect with their own divinity and find the courage to live. I will be providing tools, frameworks, energy healing support, and as much love as I can pour out of my heart to help those who have ever felt the soul-crushing effects of oppressive dogma and abuse. My message is one of hope and forgiveness. It is possible to recover from what horrors life can throw at you, and although the process is difficult, it is possible. When you do the deep work, you reach a turning point where you realize that you are not a victim. You are a creator. You were designed with endless creativity and opportunities for expression. When you are no longer a victim, you can speak from a place of peaceful authority rather than defensiveness, and this is the big shift I experienced today. I wrote a letter to my mother that I’d like to share because it is a message that is universal. Here it goes….
“If you take anything away from this note, I wish you to remember how strong you really are. I wish you to remember how much you have survived in life. You have been through so many experiences and you always emerge from them. I wish you to know that you are forgiven for the past. Completely. It is done, it is over. The past is the past. Everything that happened has taught me some important lessons and it has helped me to emerge as a different, stronger person, so thank you for that."
And so it is that the process of forgiveness has begun...